*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
You Might Also Like
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos