The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.