How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
just having fun
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
good work, everybody
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.