@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.