Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
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Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Why is no one talking about this?!
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.