“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.