I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
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“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
This came to me in a dream.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving