I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.