What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Children of the corn 🌽
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.