*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
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a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Respect
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.