At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
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Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
choose your gary
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.