yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
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I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.