Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
me, after any kind of buffet.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it