Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Feels
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
never ask a starfish for directions
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Does your wife know you’re single?
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children