It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
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Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
New menu item
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth