Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I’m putting together a team
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”