There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*