I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
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[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.