Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
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This has made my week.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*gets down on one knee*
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.