Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
You Might Also Like
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.