Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
You Might Also Like
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
dam girl
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.