Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
You Might Also Like
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Finally!