Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.