Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
You Might Also Like
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?