Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Ah..makes sense now
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.