“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
You Might Also Like
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!