The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
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Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath