Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
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“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
No Google it does not
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
*has no idea what a book even is*
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Somebody call the cops.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!