Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
man: wait
time: no
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.