In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
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Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.