My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
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[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then