Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
When libraries troll their patrons.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Love is always patient and kind.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty