ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
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Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.