Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
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Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Saw your ex at the shops
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Growing up was a huge mistake
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.