Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
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I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”