One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
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Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?