A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
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Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.