Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé