Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
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watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
spicy snake
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Sunday
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest