Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster