Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
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[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.