Realize this:
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home