House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
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Beware…..
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.