Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
choose your fighter
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader: