A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
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the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
i’m still crying at this
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.