Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
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18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.