Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
$4 #usedbooks
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?