Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
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I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Put my back out twerking in the library again
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.