My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
You Might Also Like
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.