Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft